Saturday, Jan. 30
I've learned one thing about myself by
this college fiasco. I want to get out of Patapsco in the worse way. If
I can't get out immediately, I've got to be making progress toward getting
out.
I asked Luke if I seem smart to him. Of course he said yes,
but I wasn't satisfied with that. I kept on asking him about it, this
way and that way. He complained that I was cross-examining him. Thinking
back, I guess I was.
I know one reason I am this way is that my parents lie about
silly things, like my father's age. When they talk about old times and
how old they were then, I have to listen carefully. Inevitably some modification
of history accommodates my father's shifting age.
Why do I want to go to college so bad? Because I love learning
and because I want to make something of myself. I want to be famous. I
know that's crazy, coming from a place like this. It's a major accomplishment
around here if your picture appears first in a school yearbook instead
of a police blotter.
I'd like to be a rocket scientist. Or a Nobel Prize winner. So much
for wishful thinking. If U of M takes me, I'll be happy.
I have this problem with authority. I always question
it and its orders. I don't like to follow orders, even if I agree with them.
Knowing that won't help me get in college, but perhaps my life
would be easier, if I skipped arguing about inconsequential things.
Lately all the TV shows have the teenagers going through a
stage of 'Who Am I?'. That promising idea is wasted because the real problem
is how to get a date for the prom -- real major stuff!
In fact most times they don't really have to worry. Most problems
on TV are due to misunderstandings. She would go with him, but she misinterpreted
what he said and thought he didn't care for her, when he really does.
In real life most problems are due to people understanding
they can't have what they want.
On TV, teenagers are such boobs. They're our role models. It's
a wonder anybody tries to think.
